Letter II: Love One Another
Letter II: Love One Another
One of Jesus' last commandments before he went where his disciples could not go.
My Dear Little Children,
The night before Jesus’ crucifixion, before he was taken away from His disciples, he told them:
“Little children, yet a little while I am with you. You will seek me; and as I said to the Jews so now I say to you, ‘where I am going you cannot come.’” - John 13:33
Knowing that he had to leave his beloved disciples, whom he called his little children, and that they could not come, he gave them two things that night: a new commandment and the Eucharist. The next verse reads:
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” -John 13:34
What Jesus said to His disciples that night, I now beg of you: love one another, even as Jesus has loved you.
Saint Jerome emphasizes this as he tells one of my favorite stories about Saint John the Apostle:
The blessed John the Evangelist lived in Ephesus until extreme old age. His disciples could barely carry him to church and he could not muster the voice to speak many words. During individual gatherings he usually said nothing but, "Little children, love one another." The disciples and brothers in attendance, annoyed because they always heard the same words, finally said, "Teacher, why do you always say this?" He replied with a line worthy of John: "Because it is the Lord's commandment and if it alone is kept, it is sufficient."
-Saint Jerome from his commentary on Galatians 6:10
Having the strength to say only one thing in his latter years, Saint John, the last Apostle, also chose what he thought was the most important thing. He repeated what Jesus had told him so many years ago the night before His passion: love one another.
Now that I am a father, I understand God’s love for us so much better than I ever could have before. I can’t describe how much it means to me for you all to love one another. In fact, I am not sure that anything on earth makes me sigh more contentedly, feel more peace and fulfillment, or be more grateful to the Good God than when I watch you take care of each other, and love one another - not even surfing!
God has given you a great gift in having siblings — especially having Catholic siblings who you can follow Jesus with. You probably don’t understand what a blessing this is since you were raised with it and don’t have anything to compare it to, but trust me when I say it is a very great gift. Love one another, protect one another, take care of one another. Be patient with one another, and be faithful to one another. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Eph. 4:32).
I am reminded of a scene from Longfellow’s “Evangeline.” An idyllic Catholic village in the french colony of “Acadie” exists near what is now Maine (your mom’s favorite place). They are at peace with God and each other, content in their homes and on their land. However, life is disturbed when English ships arrive off their shores. Tension builds until finally the soldiers from the ships come ashore, lock all the men into the church, and announce that the King of England is claiming their lands, their homes, and their flocks. They themselves will be transported into exile far from their homes to other lands. You can imagine the rage and indignation among the men when they realized the utter injustice that was about to be committed against them and their families. Longfellow describes it best, of course:
Silent a moment they stood in speechless wonder, and then rose
Louder and ever louder a wail of sorrow and anger,
And, by one impulse moved, they madly rushed to the door-way.
Vain was the hope of escape; and cries and fierce imprecations
Rang through the house of prayer; and high o’er the heads of the others
Rose, with his arms uplifted, the figure of Basil the blacksmith,
As, on a stormy sea a spar is tossed by the billows.
Flushed was his face and distorted with passion; and wildly he shouted;—
“Down with the tyrants of England! we never have sworn them allegiance!
Death to these foreign soldiers, who seize on our homes and our harvests!”
More he fain would have said, but the merciless hand of a soldier
Smote him upon the mouth, and dragged him down to the pavement.
In the midst of this unspeakable injustice and devastating injury, the priest enters, walks solemnly up the steps of the altar, and with the raising of his hand awes the tumultuous crowd to silence. It reminds me of how Christ must have silenced the crowd when he was arrested. Can you imagine the tumult of the crowd after Peter drew his sword and cut off Malchus’ ear? It was a miracle more amazing to me than the calming of the sea that Christ was able to calm the crowd with a word after blood had been shed and chaos had already won the moment. So too, after the blacksmith plays the part of Peter as the passion of this poor village begins, we see the priest calm the crowd. Listen to what he says next.
Deep were his tones and solemn; in accents measured and mournful…
“What is this that ye do, my children? what madness has seized you?
Forty years of my life I have labored among you, and taught you,
Not in word alone, but in deed, to love one another!
Is this the fruit of my toils, of my vigils and prayers and privations?
Have you so soon forgotten all lessons of love and forgiveness?
This is the house of the Prince of Peace, and would you profane it
Thus with violent deeds and hearts overflowing with hatred?
Lo! where the crucified Christ from his cross is gazing upon you!
See! in those sorrowful eyes what meekness and holy compassion!
Hark! how those lips still repeat the prayer, ‘O Father, forgive them!’
Let us repeat the prayer in the hour when the wicked assail us,
Let us repeat is now, and say, "‘O father, forgive them!’ ”
Few were his words of rebuke, but deep in the hearts of his people
Sank they, and sobs of contrition succeeded in that passionate outbreak;
And they repeated his prayer, and said, “O Father, forgive them!”
Why do I recount this story to you? I recount it because, as you strive to love one another, one of the most difficult tests of love you will encounter is when you feel slighted, or wronged, or ignored, or unjustly treated by those you love. In this way, you will resemble the Acadie in the story - or more importantly Christ in his passion - forced to suffer the agony of injustice. Your temptation will be to respond with anger and despair — I do not begrudge you the feelings.
Yet in those moments when you have been grievously wounded by each other listen to me echo the words of the priest to you, my beloved children: years of my life I have labored among you, and taught you, not in word alone, but in deed, to love one another! Is this the fruit of my toils, of my vigils and prayers and privations? Come, repay love for love — repay the love I have shown you with love for one another! Will you not, for love of your father, forgive one another from the heart? Or better still, for love of Christ, who is the true source of any love I have shown you, or of any good I have done for you? Do it for Christ, who has loved you and suffered for you, so that you might love one another as he has loved you.
At times we will all take turns, in a small way, playing the part of either the wicked, the just, or a combination of both. Often we will unintentionally hurt each others feelings or slight each other. Sometimes it is only a perceived slight or a misunderstanding that causes us harm due to no fault of the other person. Just ask your mother, we cause each other this kind of suffering all the time! Yet even when it is an unintentional or imagined persecution, the pain is real, so what do we do? In those moments when the wicked assail us, let us repeat Christ’s prayer from the cross, “Father, forgive them!”
Be careful to let no “root of bitterness” spring up among you (Heb. 12:15). When you are feeling these feelings do not ruminate on them over and over in your mind and do not give way to self-pity in the slightest. When we get angry, we are tempted to go over the offense again and again. In our minds we accuse the offender of all kinds of other imagined slights or motivations that are entirely false. As Saint Francis de Sales puts it, “our anger ends up feeding upon endless false fancies; for no angry man ever yet but thought his anger just.” Make no mistake, it is the devil who suggests and encourages these thoughts and, if we give into them, they will surely lead to ruin. There are too many stories of family members who have not spoken in years over some fight neither of them even remember, and it can happen to anyone if we do not fight against it. Prayer is the only way to prevail against these suggestions, and I have found the psalms to be especially helpful in these cases.
I will write more in depth on the benefits of the psalms later but, as I transition into more practical tips for loving one another, allow me to recommend praying the psalms to help you navigate the feelings that come with being wronged, unjustly treated, or just sad. In the rest of the Holy Scriptures, God speaks to us. But the psalms are special because through them we speak to God in the words of the Holy Spirit. Christ Himself prayed the psalms and so sanctified and offered our human emotions to the Father. Many psalms speak about feeling persecuted, abandoned, unjustly accused, lonely, angry, and so on. They teach us how to cry out to God in these moments of affliction (or of rejoicing, or many other instances, for that matter) and they purify our emotions. We can apply the things the psalmist says to our own circumstances. Many, many times have I prayed the psalms when feeling afflicted, angry, or despairing. Praying the psalms helped me to offer those emotions to God without becoming bitter, and to walk away with hope, and the strength and peace to forgive from the heart.
In addition to the above difficulties, one of the chief obstacles you will face when obeying Jesus’ command, and my entreaty, is simple annoyance. When we live close to others, we are more easily irritated by the things that they do. One remedy I have found for this is to accept the fact that Christ has not yet returned to set all things right, and so we will necessarily have to bear patiently the imperfections of this present darkness. I think that the acceptance of those closest to us as they are, irritating habits and all, and not as we would like them to be, is one of the keys to letting go of some of the anxious energy that is often stirred up within us by what we consider the annoying traits of others, thus making it more difficult to love. There is a prayer called the “serenity prayer” that I think is very useful for these circumstances:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
Pray this prayer if you are finding it difficult to accept the imperfections of others. I will write you a more detailed letter later on fraternal correction, but for the purposes of this letter let me say that we should generally accept peoples imperfections rather than attempt to correct them. We even need to accept the fact that the people we love may sin, and it may hurt us. But we need to be kind and patient (long-suffering) with each other, and remove the logs from our own eyes before we attempt to remove splinters from others. Again, much more on this later (including some of my favorite Desert Fathers stories on this subject!), but for now, for you who are already sincerely striving after God, you generally should air on the side of patient forgiveness rather than correcting each other — especially when the correction of the fault of someone else would benefit you personally, and always when your correction would be attended by feelings of frustration or anger.
The second way to love in the midst of these annoyances is to lean into them. The best way to get rid of an enemy is to turn him into a friend. So turn these enemies (annoyances) into friends (merit) by using them as an opportunity to store up heavenly treasures and grow into the likeness of Christ. Be like Saint Therese, who went out of her way to love and be patient with those who annoyed her. When one of the other nuns would rattle her rosary in an annoying and distracting way during prayer, Therese took that as an opportunity to love that nun by pretending the sound was actually special music for Christ, and she offered her annoyance to Him rather than correct her. Another time, she went out of the way to take care of an older nun who everyone in the convent found particularly difficult to get along with, rather than try to reform the difficult sisters annoying habits. Lean into the things that annoy you, and they will become some of your most prized crowns in Heaven.
Now, don’t be too hard on yourselves - you wont be perfect. But that is why mutual forgiveness, saying sorry, and being humble is so important. If there is any conflict, humbly search yourself and examine your conscience — never lie to yourself. Then apologize for as much as you possibly can without lying. Don’t hold back an apology because you’re waiting for someone else to apologize first. And don’t apologize just because you want them to apologize to you — if you do this, you will usually be disappointed and walk away even more angry than before. It is in your power to apologize for what you’ve done wrong, however small it may be. It is NOT in your power, nor would it be desirable, for you to weigh what you think everyone ought to be sorry for and demand proportionate apologies from others, thus taking Christ’s place as judge. I know it is very hard, but you must focus on saying sorry as sincerely as you can, for as much as you can, without any expectation of someone else saying sorry even if you believe they started it or did the worse offense. After all, you’re ultimately doing this for love of God, and He will reward you.
Be content to do your best for love of God. Be quick to forgive from the heart, totally giving up any grudges - and don’t bring it up again once it has been forgiven. If you find yourself having trouble and holding grudges against someone, then make sure you take extra time to pray and offer sacrifices for them. Take note though that if you are praying for someone in this way your prayer should not be that they stop doing whatever is annoying you — that is a prayer for yourself! Your prayer and sacrifices should be offered for their good, totally detached from any benefits it might have on you. This can be very difficult, but if you are finding it challenging to forgive then read Matthew 18:24-35 and meditate on it, and it will give you some perspective and motivation.
You know how to love each other - the hard part is doing it. Take a step back and look at the audacity of Jesus’ commandment. How are we supposed to love even as Jesus, God Himself, loves us? If we take him seriously, we should be a bit confused and maybe even scared. Clearly this is an impossibility since we are not God. How can He command us to do the impossible? For man, it is true that this is impossible to obey. But for God, all things are possible, and the way that he makes this possible is by giving us super-substantial, miraculous food: the Holy Eucharist. The Eucharist is the means that God gives us to provide our hearts with the supernatural strength and ability to accomplish this impossible command. Yet, it is sadly overlooked and under-appreciated, even by many well-meaning Catholics; but I will talk more about this in my next letter.
In the meantime, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others (Phil. 2:2-4).
With all my love in Christ,
Dad