Letter XI: Don't Get Into Spiritual Debt
If you get into the habit of delaying your conversion, or of repenting of a particular sin, you may find that you've dug yourself into a hole that is too deep to get out of.
This a real letter written from a Catholic father to his children as a sort of “spiritual life insurance.” It is being shared here in the hopes that that God will use this imperfect letter to communicate His perfect Fatherly love to you as well.
Behold, now is the acceptable time; behold, now is the day of salvation.
—2 Cor. 6:2
Dear Children,
The more financial debt one accrues, the harder it is to pay off; it is much easier to pay a $100 debt than a $100,000 debt. If given the choice, you would, obviously, choose to pay off a small debt, with lots of time to do so, while you’re still young and strong, rather than a large debt, with less time, when you’re older and weaker.
The dangers of debt are not limited to the natural order, but are present, and especially dangerous, in the spiritual order as well. The only difference is that in the spiritual order we accrue debt in the form of habits instead of money.
Habits are the actions and thoughts that we most easily do. They are qualities that we have developed in ourselves, by our choices and circumstances, that require effort to change. They grow in strength by repetition, and are weakened by disuse or by performing acts contrary to that habit. There’s an old saying: “a tree falls the way it leans.” The tree, in this analogy, is our will, and it is our habits that dictate the direction that the tree of our will is leaning. Whenever we have to make a choice, we will most naturally and easily do so in accordance with our habits. We call good habits ‘virtues,’ and we call evil habits ‘vices.’
Virtue is made all the more difficult to attain by the fact that we have three enemies working against us: the world, the flesh, and the devil.
Virtue can only be acquired and increased by dint of struggle and self-conquest; for many obstacles have to be encountered, inward hindrances, the evil proclivities of the human heart, and outward hindrances, the contempt and persecution of men.1
Many people make the grave error of delaying either their conversion in general, or repenting of a certain sin in particular, until “later.” They know that they need to be reconciled with God, but they imagine that it will be easier to repent, or to forsake some pet sin of theirs, when they are older. St. Alphonsus Liguori emphasizes the foolishness of this approach by comparing it to a man who chooses to gamble, and intentionally lose, all of his property, with the sole hope of winning it back in the last game. To go a step further with his analogy, imagine that every time you lose a game your odds of winning the next one decrease, so that the game you’re staking all your hopes on—the last one—is the one you’re least likely to win.
Just as debt becomes harder to pay back the more we accrue, so too do our habits become harder to overcome the more we reinforce them. Every day that you choose not to repent, or to commit a certain sin, is another day that you reinforce and strengthen that evil habit or vice. If you delay repenting of a bad habit by ten days, then it will be ten days harder to repent of than if you hadn’t delayed at all. C.S. Lewis comments on the importance of these habits, saying:
Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of.
Or, conversely, the smallest bad act today may be the loss of a strategic point, which may end up causing the difficulty of your repentance to grow exponentially.
So, if you’re afraid of combatting a particular vice now, then you should be terrified of waiting to fight that vice later in life. What makes you think that you’ll have the strength to be freed from an even stronger version of the same vice that you are too cowardly to conquer now? If you wait, the vice you fear now will be even more deeply entrenched through repetition, and the contrary virtue will be even weaker from so much more disuse. Any fear of overcoming a particular vice or attachment should motivate us to overcome it sooner, while it is easier, rather than later when it will be even more painful to overcome than it already is.
It is a tragic irony that when people are young they often hope that they will be able to repent when they are older. When they’re twenty years old, they say they’ll straighten their life out when they’re forty—after they’ve had some fun. Assuming they even live to that age, when they arrive at forty they are even more busy and distracted than they were at twenty, and the difficulty of repentance (if they even still think of repenting) has become even more arduous than when they were younger, owing to so many more years of bad habits. So they say, “When I’m sixty, then I’ll repent.” Yet, the pattern continues, and with each passing year their bad habits become more and more entrenched, and repentance becomes more and more difficult, until the opportunity to repent has finally, and forever, passed.
None of us are guaranteed a deathbed on which to repent, but even if we were, do you think that your temptations will be easier to resist in your last hours?
On a natural level, have you ever noticed how difficult it can be to think when you are sick? Even with a bad cold your mind can become so clouded that it’s hard to read, pray, or think of anything other than lessening the present suffering. In these moments, only our habits remain—the echo of our past choices. If you expect to suddenly find the strength to repent after having been weakened by old age, sickness, or both, then you are gravely mistaken. Barring some exceptional supernatural grace, it will be your habits that prevail at that time and, if you have spent your life reinforcing the habit of rejecting or ignoring God, then your last agony will only serve to ratify the choice you repeatedly made in life.
On a spiritual level, the difficulties of a deathbed conversion are also compounded. The hour of our death is the time when the combat for our soul reaches its zenith. The enemy assails us much more than ever before, knowing that the moment of decision is at hand. The trials on our death bed will be greater, not lesser, than the ones we face today. The habits we form today, by the grace of God, will be the protection, or the vulnerabilities, that we bring to that last hour. Keep your lamps of good habits lit, for you do not know when the Bridegroom will come (cf. Matt. 25:1-13).
St. Alphonsus Liguori warns that, even if we are given the time required to repent at the hour of death, we cannot be sure that we will sincerely return to God at that crucial time. He says:
To conquer bad habits, St. Augustine had to fight against them for twelve years. How will the dying man, who has always lived in sin, be able, in the midst of the pains, the stupefaction, and the confusion of death, to repent sincerely of all his past iniquities? I say sincerely, because it is not enough to say and to promise with the tongue: it is necessary to promise with the heart.
Don’t build up spiritual debt by delaying repentance. It will only get harder.
How to Actually Repent of a Particular Sin for Good
I’ve shared with you just a little bit about why it is so important to repent today and not to put it off until later. Allow me a few more paragraphs of practical advice on how to repent. There are four main steps for conquering any temptation or sin, I will list them in order.
1. Receive Grace from the Eucharist and Prayer
First and foremost, remember that Jesus tells us that without Him, we can do nothing. Repentance and conversion are graces from God, not something that we can manufacture or achieve by our own efforts: no one can come to me, says the Lord, unless the Father draws him. I spoke a lot in the previous section about the difficulty of overcoming sins and vices, and indeed it is impossible to do by yourself. But with God, all things are possible, and you should approach repentance with absolute trust in God and confidence that you will be victorious over all your enemies, for God will be with you. He will freely give you an abundance of all the graces you need.
The way that Christ has established for us to freely receive those graces is through the sacraments and prayer. Go to the Sacrament of Confession regularly and receive the Eucharist as often as possible. If you can’t receive the Eucharist sacramentally, for whatever reason, then make sure to make a daily spiritual communion, as I encouraged you to do in my letter on the Eucharist.
Also, spend time in prayer daily. I particularly recommend devoutly praying the Rosary every day, as I also wrote to you in a previous letter. St. Louis de Montfort says that no one can continue both in mortal sin and in devoutly praying the daily Rosary—eventually he will give up one or the other.
If you pray and receive the graces from the Sacraments, then you will have the grace you need to continue with the next step. If you find that you are still having trouble working up the courage to continue to the next step, then the solution is simple: spend even more time in prayer and less time engaged in secular amusements or distractions. Repeat until you achieve the desired results.
2. Commit your Will
The next step is very simple, but very few choose to do it. The step is to fully commit yourself to doing whatever is necessary to be free from this sin, no matter the cost.
Jesus Himself explains to us the level of commitment required to free ourselves from sinful attachments:
And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off; it is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire. And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off; it is better for you to enter life lame than with two feet to be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out; it is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell, where their worm does not die, and the fire is not quenched.
—Mark 9:44-48
You must truly make the decision to do whatever it takes to follow Christ. Risking your career? Losing friends? Living without a computer? Whatever it takes.
The half-hearted and the cowardly will not inherit the Kingdom of God. The Kingdom of God suffers violence, and men of violence take it by force (Matt. 11:12). It takes courage, effort, and commitment to follow Christ. But do not be afraid, He will fight for you—trust Him with all your heart.
Allow me one quick aside to address a term that has become fashionable to use when discussing certain sins. You might hear people refer to certain sins (not related to drugs or alcohol) as ‘addictions.’ I find the use of the word addiction to be completely counterproductive when dealing with sin, and I strongly recommend that you don’t refer to any of your vices as such.
The common use of the word ‘addiction’ implies an extenuating circumstance which we have little to no control over. Calling our sins, ‘addictions,’ in the common sense of the word, implies that we haven’t done anything wrong, we just have a disease. In times of temptation, this attitude often produces despair and becomes an excuse for giving in to the temptation rather than motivation to resist it. Using this language removes our agency and excuses our sins, rather than giving us the incentive and clarity of thought to cry out to God for help and do what is necessary to repent.
It might be true, in some sense, to call sin an addiction, but in the case of most sins it is a distinction without a difference. Regardless of what you call it, you still have to make the choice to overcome it, and take the steps to do so, whatever they may be. Even true addicts to drugs or alcohol will tell you that, ultimately, you can stop, but you have to really want it and you need God’s help. Relabeling a particular vice as an ‘addiction’ generally has no practical benefit except to weaken the will of the person who needs to conquer this sin by making them a victim with diminished agency instead of the author of their own fate, which they truly are.
There might be a practical benefit to using the term for Confessors who need to assess the culpability of their penitent so that they can give them the proper pastoral guidance, but that is not what we are talking about here.
Even if you have acquired a certain sin through little to no fault of your own, you are still responsible for overcoming it. If you choose to wallow in this ‘addiction’ instead of take the steps necessary to be free from it, then you ultimately end up being guilty of the sin by omission, even if you had little to no guilt in acquiring it in the first place. If a thief, fleeing a house, unloads a stolen good into your hands, then you are not at fault. However, if you proceed to walk away with the good on the pretense of it being given to you, instead of returning it to it’s owner, then you are as guilty as the thief who first took it.
All that to say: count the cost, and set you will firmly on overcoming the particular vice you are combatting. Burn the ships, so to speak.
3. Avoid Near Occasions of Sin
Once you’ve got some daylight between you and a particular sin (or your former way of life in the case of a conversion), don’t be so proud as to think that you can go right back into the thick of it without any consequences. Don’t taunt the dog just because it is chained.
When our Lord healed the blind man at Bethsaida, He first took the man out of the village. After He healed the man, He warned him to not even to go back into the village. In the same way, avoid even the general vicinity in which the sin you have been freed from resides. For example, if watching the news causes you to fall into the sin of hatred, anger, or anxiety, then shut it off. Not every one will have the same near occasions of sin, so it is important to be humble and honest with yourself about what provokes temptations in you, and avoid those things. You will always fall back into the same sins as long as you refuse to avoid the near occasions of them. And don’t judge others who have different near occasions of sin than you do.
It is true that God’s grace is greater than our sins, and that with His help we can overcome any temptation. But we should not put him to the test by putting ourselves forward for near occasions of sin that are in our power to avoid. If God’s providence permits that we be placed in tempting circumstances, or charity demands it of us, then we should beg for grace, humbly trust in God’s unfailing help, and go confidently into the fire, like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Nevertheless, you should be very reluctant to be thrown into the fiery furnace—I have seen more than one person fall to a previously conquered temptation because they put themselves too near to an occasion of sin.
Do not be deceived: ‘bad company corrupts good morals’ (1 Cor. 15:33).
4. Be Gentle and Patient With Yourself
Finally, without tempering your resolve, be gentle and patient with yourself.
Listen to how St. John Chrysostom encourages his brother in Christ after a fall:
There is nothing strange… in a wrestler falling, but in his remaining in a fallen condition; neither is it a grievous thing for the warrior to be wounded, but to despair after the blow has been struck, and to neglect the wound…
For if you saw a soldier returning wounded from war you would not reproach him; for it is a reproach to cast away one's arms, and to hold aloof from the enemy; but as long as a man stands fighting, even if he be wounded and retreat for a short time, no one is so unfeeling or inexperienced in matters of war, as to find any fault with him. Exemption from wounds is the lot of non-combatants; but those who advance with much spirit against the enemy may sometimes be wounded and fail; which is exactly what has now occurred in your case; for suddenly, while you attempted to destroy the serpent you were bitten. But take courage, you need a little vigilance, and then not a trace of this wound will be left; or rather by the grace of God you will crush the head of the Evil One himself.
We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. When you fall into any sin, especially one that is taking longer than you would have hoped to defeat, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself say to your heart the words that St. Francis de Sales recommends:
My poor heart, here we are fallen into the snare, from which we had so often resolved to escape! Come, let us rise up once more and forsake it forever, let us call for God’s mercy, and put our trust in it, for it will assist us in standing firmer for the future, so will we return to the path of humility. Let us not be discouraged, but be well on our guard from this time. God will help us and guide us.
Final Remarks
Much of this letter has been about repenting of grave sin, or not delaying conversion. It is my hope and daily prayer that none of you ever fall into any mortal sin. So why am I writing this to you?
First, because the reflections and practical counsels that I am sharing here are not just useful for repenting of grave sins, but also for preventing them.
Second, because these counsels are also useful for repenting of any willful venial sins or faults. Willful venial sins are the last step before falling into mortal sin, so you should never indulge in any willful venial sin.
Third, any counsel I give you here can also be beneficial to you in counseling others.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly in your case, He who is faithful in a very little is faithful also in much; and he who is dishonest in a very little is dishonest also in much (Luke 16:10). These counsels are useful for responding to any grace or inspiration you receive from the Holy Spirit. If, for example, you are convicted about a certain attachment or imperfection that you need to get rid, or of some good work you ought to perform, then don’t delay—it will only get harder if you resist those inspirations. Be docile to the Holy Spirit and He will dwell in your heart all the more. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.
If today you hear His voice, harden not your hearts (Hebrews 3:15).
With all my love in Christ,
Dad
You might also like:
II. virtue. The Bellarmine Forum. (2015b, August 20). https://bellarmineforum.org/bf_catechism/the-catechism-explained/part-ii-the-commandments-vice-and-virtue-perfection/b-good-works-virtue-sin-vice/ii-virtue/
Thanks, Stuart, for this thorough treatment of an important topic. I've been thinking about it so much lately, as I watch my aunt's increasing senility—she is now consumed by anxiety, worrying about tiny things and fighting with her own sisters constantly.
This situation has made me reflect on the dangers of delaying repentance, since we never know when life might put us in a position where we're no longer cognitively capable of it. We might even find ourselves trapped in hurtful relationships due to changes in our body and mind. How important it is to reconcile with everyone, as Jesus calls us to in the Sermon on the Mount, and to enter tomorrow as lightly as possible.