To Christians Who Are Very Sad

A personal letter for one young Catholic in particular who is despairing, and for anyone else who is also feeling that way.

With the exception of a brief stint on Linked In, I’ve been completely off social media since my oldest daughter was born almost nine years ago, and used it sparingly the years preceding that. I recently dipped my toes back in by creating my first real Twitter (X) account, so that I could share this substack with more people. What I saw deeply troubled me. I was not surprised to find many sad people (although there were more than I expected) but I was very surprised, and deeply troubled, to see many sad Christians.

One young woman in particular (age 25) shared that she was so sad that she was “giving up hope of ever feeling better” and went so far as to say that the reason she doesn’t take her own life is because she doesn’t have the “guts.” In the comments on her post, many people offered to pray, some offered words of encouragement, but there were also many who echoed the her sentiment. There are many very sad, lonely Christians. Reading this really broke my heart. I was moved with compassion, but how could I write an adequate reply to such a deep and vulnerable post on Twitter? I could not, so I resolved to write a letter for her, to encourage her; not just her but also any other Christians who are being plagued with sadness and despair. Below, still inadequate and imperfect as it may be, is the letter.

She weeps bitterly in the night,
    tears on her cheeks;
among all her lovers
    she has none to comfort her;
all her friends have dealt treacherously with her,
    they have become her enemies.

— Lamentations 1:2

My Dear Sister in Christ,

I don’t know you, or your circumstances. I wish I did, and you’re always free to write me if you just need someone to listen. I will read it. But since I don’t know your exact circumstances, l will write it to you as if I were were writing to one of my own daughters, or my little sister, for in reality, that is what we are in Christ Jesus: brothers and sisters. And I am my sister’s keeper.

The first verse of Lamentations keeps echoing through in my heart. How lonely sits the city, that was once full of people. The prophet spoke these opening words of perhaps the most mournful book of the bible about a city, which was a mere symbol of God’s beloved. How much more, then, should I repeat those words when one of His beloved children is truly afflicted? You, for whom He shed His blood. Yes, He shed His blood for you, specifically. He would have done so even if you were you the only one in the world.

I didn’t understand what it meant that God loves each of us as if there were only one of us until I began to grasp the forethought and the choice that was required to create each person specifically. Do you know how precisely providence had to be arranged to bring you about? Every last bit of creation was tuned with exactness so that, in the fullness of time, God could breathe life into you. The slightest change to any one detail of history (think of the “butterfly effect”) could have easily stopped you from ever being conceived. Yet here you are. It was not an accident, you were chosen by God, preferred to a multitude of other possible people He could have created. It is not that you happened to be born, and so He has to love you because He’s God and that’s what God does. Rather, the idea of you, specifically, existed in His mind before the creation of the universe, and then He so arranged every last detail from the Big Bang down to today so that your parents would meet when they did, so that you would come into existence. You were not created by chance, God desired you, and carefully arranged all of human history in such a way that you would be brought about. I tell you, in the name of God, that you are beloved.

Loneliness & a personal story

I know that you might feel lonely. I have no use for platitudes, I will not tell you that “you are not alone” because for all intents and purposes you may actually feel utterly alone. You may even feel abandoned or forgotten by God, and hearing that mantra through a screen from an invisible stranger is not particularly helpful. Loneliness is agonizing, and my heart breaks for you if you are lonely. I have felt very lonely at times in my life. In high school, for years at a time, I felt as though I had no friends and no way to make friends, and waiting years for any hope of that being solved in college or adulthood seemed impossibly far off at that age. Then, later, I was terribly lonely after a devastating break up in college. Of course it is true, in the deepest sense, that we really are not alone for Christ is truly with you, even if He sleeps through the storm, provided that you do not shut him out of your heart with mortal sin. Yet even if you push him out of your heart with mortal sin, He is not content to walk away. Instead, He stands at the door and knocks. He will never abandon you. As I type this, I have to admit that even in my loneliest moments, I was clearly not alone, even though it felt that way. Let me tell you a quick story.

I was a month or two away from turning 21 right before the aforementioned break up that left me so lonely (to put it mildly). I had been dating someone who, at the time, I considered to be the “love of my life” and I had absolutely built my world around her. God was not at the center of my heart to begin with at this time in my life, but I knew that he probably ought to be. Nevertheless, I had quietly given that spot to her instead, scorning God’s advances in the process.

Things in my relationship with this girl started to get rocky, and I did not want them to end. As far as I was concerned, this girl was my life. So, in a desperate bid to save the relationship, I made the 20+ hour drive from my house in Seattle down to San Diego where she was living at the time. I conceived of this plan around 5pm and drove straight through the night with the goal of making a grand, romantic gesture to win her affections for good and save our relationship. I was nervous about how she would receive this gesture. Even though I wasn’t practicing my faith at the time, I knelt down beside my bed to pray and ask God to bless this venture (or stop me if I shouldn’t make it). What happened next surprised me.

A gentle, but clear, thought came into my head that did not originate from me. It wasn’t so strong that I couldn’t doubt it, but it was also too clear to pretend something didn’t happen. Somehow I knew at once that it was an inspiration from God, even though I had never had this happen to me before. He didn’t speak in words that were audible to my ears, it was more like a sudden understanding. But the sense of it was, “You are not going to get what you expect, but you will get something so much better.” With that, I left on my desperate mission. For much of the drive, I tried to convince myself that what I heard meant I would win the girl and things would go even better than I hoped! But deep down I knew that wasn’t true. I knew that I was marching towards my own death, of a sort.

When I reached San Diego, my profession of love went as terribly as you could imagine, and the relationship was ended for good. I can’t describe the agony that ensued, and the next three days are a complete blur that I think the Lord spared me the memory of. I do remember literally writhing in pain on my bed one night. This may sound ridiculous to someone who hasn’t experienced it, but the pain was truly soul deep, and I could feel it physically in my chest.

After a short time passed, I went for a walk, still paradoxically numb to the world while also enduring constant internal suffering. As I walked, I spoke to God and said, “God, I know that you’ll never give me anything I can’t handle, but I really can’t handle any more, I’m at the edge of a cliff. You have to do something.” Then, for the second time in my life, I heard that same small, still voice that I had heard before my ill-fated trip. The sense it left me this time was “Go and visit Matt.” Matt was a friend from my fraternity in college. If I was a little more self-aware, I might have been surprised at this thought, since my fraternity did anything but bring me closer to God. I had left it after a semester because of how bad the “partying” had been on both my physical and moral health. All I knew about Matt’s summer plans were that he was working at some camp somewhere near Tahoe. I went straight home and called him, and asked if I could fly down and visit the very next day. Matt was shocked, but very receptive to the idea.

When I arrived, I found out that Matt was there with a few dozen or so other devout Christian college students who were on a summer mission trip for “Campus Crusade for Christ.” If you’re not familiar with that group, it’s a non-denominational Christian group that is focused specifically on sharing the Gospel with college students. I was oblivious at the time, but in hindsight the hand of God’s loving providence is obvious, even comical. While I was there, three important things happened to me.

First, I met, for the first time, a group of young Christians who were totally normal, not to mention fun! I genuinely got along with them, and I didn’t have to get drunk or do anything immoral to enjoy time with them. It was one of my first experiences of what true, virtuous friendship could be like.

Second, I understood that I had put this girl on the throne of my heart, where only God belonged. Up to this point in my life, I had never thought about it like that before, but it suddenly made perfect sense to me. And the incongruity of it was eye opening as well. If God is truly God, how could we not put Him at the center? I was glad to resolve this inconsistency and to put Him in His rightful place, on the throne of my heart.

Third, on the theme of incongruity, I realized how foolish it was that I had read so many books in my life, but never the one book that I claimed to believe was authored by God. I resolved to read the New Testament from cover to cover.

I’ll spare you the rest of my story, since if I continue from here I would end up telling my whole conversion story, and that is not what this letter is about. Suffice it to say that in all my agonies, I was not alone. God’s loving hand was with me, and His promise was true: I got something exceedingly, abundantly, better than I could ever ask or even imagine. I received God Himself. My sufferings and my loneliness were awful, and I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy. Yet, I wouldn’t trade them for the world, and would even gladly undergo them again, for they were the price of drawing nearer to my God. That “light, momentary affliction” was preparing for me an internal weight of glory beyond all comparison (2 Cor 4:17). As promised, I will spare you the rest of the story, but I was eventually received into full communion with the Catholic Church, and am now very happily married to an amazing woman of God, with four children. The loneliness did not stop overnight — after returning from that camp with Matt I was starving for friendship and community. But since I didn’t have any friends to spend time with, I spent all my time alternating between reading the New Testament and walking with God. And now I see that even that was a precious, though difficult, time that I would not trade for the world.

If you are lonely, know that there is a purpose to our grief, and use the time as well as you can by reading spiritual books, especially the Bible, and let your loneliness draw you closer to God. This trial will not last forever, I promise.

Now that you’ve heard a little of my story, if I have earned just little of your trust, or if you are at least willing to hear some advice from me, then I will give you some encouragement and admonishment in the form of what may be some hard truths. I hope that you will read my tone as being full of love, tenderness, and sincerity (as it truly is), but that won’t make the bitter portions of my advice any easier to swallow. To hold back bitter medicine, out of fear of what others may think of you, is to love only yourself. I would not spare myself the difficulty of speaking hard truths to my own children or sister, if I thought it might help them, because I love them and so I have to take the risk that they might reject me for offering unwanted advice. Neither will I spare myself for your sake. That being said, if you don’t care to hear this advice from me, then I understand (after all, I have never met you). If that is the case, then I would encourage you to stop reading here, and hold on to anything good that you may have read. Know that I sincerely meant every word and will still be praying for you. However, if you are continuing on, then please allow me to humbly and sincerely offer a few pieces of admonishment and encouragement with assistance from Saint Francis de Sales.

Advice from Saint Francis de Sales

Saint Francis de Sales gives direction for Christians suffering from sadness and sorrow, and he is really the one you’ll want advice from. I will share his advice below, interspersed with my own comments in between. I can’t improve on Saint Francis’ work, but I will try to apply his advice to our modern era, and in light of some of the comments you made that moved me to write this in the first place. Obviously, if your sadness is the result of a purely medical condition, then in all likelihood this advice won’t help to ease that pain and I can’t give you any medical advice. Yet sadness, melancholy, despair, and sorrow are not usually purely physical phenomenon, and so I hope that something below is helpful for you. Take whatever is helpful, ignore whatever is not.

Saint Paul says that “godly sorrow produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly sorrow produces death.” So we see that sorrow may be good or bad according to the several results it produces in us. And indeed there are more bad than good results arising from it, for the only good ones are mercy and repentance; whereas there are six evil results, namely, anguish, sloth, indignation, jealousy, envy and impatience. The Wise Man says that “sorrow hath killed many, and there is no profit therein,” and that because for the two good streams which flow from the spring of sadness, there are these six which are downright evil.

The Enemy makes use of sadness to try good men with his temptations: just as he tries to make bad men merry in their sin, so he seeks to make the good sorrowful amid their works of piety; and while making sin attractive so as to draw men to it, he strives to turn them from holiness by making it disagreeable. The Evil One delights in sadness and melancholy, because they are his own characteristics. He will be in sadness and sorrow through all Eternity, and he would fain have all others the same.

The “sorrow of the world” disturbs the heart, plunges it into anxiety, stirs up unreasonable fears, disgusts it with prayer, overwhelms and stupefies the brain, deprives the soul of wisdom, judgment, resolution and courage, weakening all its powers; in a word, it is like a hard winter, blasting all the earth’s beauty, and numbing all animal life; for it deprives the soul of sweetness and power in every faculty.

I want to pause here to get some of that difficult advice I promised over with. I’m sure that you recognize the six evil streams that flow from this worldly sorrow, and the characteristics of the Evil One. On the thread where you said “I give up. I will never be happy again. It’s so over.” you also made a comment that you “don’t have the guts to kill yourself.” My sister in Christ, you have to stop saying such things, not just to others, but even to yourself. These are lies from the Evil One, who is ever seeking to induce you into his own melancholy and self-pity. I am not asking you to repress those feelings, to be inauthentic, or to pretend like everything is fine — far from it! So please hear me out. I am asking you to stop saying such things because they are not true. As a Catholic who believes the truths of the faith it is inauthentic to speak thus. Again, not because you don’t actually feel that way, but because they are absurd and self-contradictory statements.

I want to emphasize that I am not asking you to stop talking about it because it is unpleasant, or because you should hide those feelings, or because you need to put on a fake exterior for others. You should certainly not hide those feelings. You should tell them to someone you trust, in person (not on social media), or find a good Catholic therapist to get help.

The reason I tell you not to talk to yourself like that, and not to say that on social media, is because not only is it not helpful (unlike talking to a therapist, which is helpful), but because it’s non-sensical, not to mention scandalous. How is it non-sensical or self-contradictory? First of all, because it doesn’t take “guts,” or courage, to kill yourself. It takes the vice of despair and foolishness. We ought to pray for Gods mercy for those who have died by suicide, but it would be foolish for you personally to think that if your last act, after giving in to the sin of despair, was to commit a mortal sin, that you would in any way improve your current circumstances. All you would be doing is amplifying and making permanent your suffering. If you were to kill yourself, your same sufferings will follow you to hell, only they will increase without respite. So you see, you’re talking nonsense when you speak of the “courage” to do a wicked deed. You really only mean that you don’t have the despair to do it, and praise God for that. So by all means talk to a real person, right away, to get help. But don’t speak like this on social media, or to yourself; these lies help no one and may even harm weaker souls than yourself. True courage endures hardship and suffering for a greater good. You have endured this far already, you clearly do have courage, dear sister: be yet more courageous.

As a Catholic, a moment of reflection will also show that your first statement about never being happy again is also not true at all. First of all, you believe in the resurrection of the body and the life of the world to come. It is an article of faith that you will indeed be truly happy forever with God, if only you persevere. He will wipe away every tear, bind up every wound, and fulfill every desire of your heart more than you could ever imagine. True, the wait is hard. He hasn’t hidden that fact from us. But goods cheaply gotten are not valued, and all the sufferings of this life will seem like “one night in a bad hotel,” as Saint Theresa of Avila puts it, once we behold the glory that is to be revealed to us. So to say that you will never be happy again contradicts the reality of the situation — it sounds more like the melancholy and self-pity that the Evil One is eager to induce us to.

I would also caution you to beware of self pity. I am not saying that you’re speaking this way for the attention, but the fact is that when you do talk like this you will get attention. That attention will feel good, temporarily, just like drugs or alcohol. But it will quickly fade and will not solve the root of the problem. Self pity is like a drug for the soul. It will feel good in the moment, but it will only make whatever you’re dealing with worse in the long run. Self pity will only perpetuate and increase these temptations, despite any temporary relief you may experience from sympathetic replies on social media. Go talk to a real person who can help you if you are having these thoughts.

Finally, if you truly are in such agony that you desire death, there is no sin in that. Pour out your troubles to God and humbly make your request to Him. Your life belongs to Him, you were purchased at a price, and it is His to take or leave. It is fine to reverently ask Him for that, if you truly desire it. But if you do, use the words of Tobit and Sarah (Tobit 3:1-15), who also prayed for death. In their case, God did more than they could ask or imagine and did not take their lives, but blessed them abundantly (they didn’t get what they expected, but something so much better). I would expect Him to do the same for you, for He is near to the broken hearted, and binds up all their wounds. Only be sure not to dwell on this petition or come back to it repeatedly — it will only lead to melancholy and more despair if you fixate on it. Trust your prayer to God once, and then walk away resolved to do your duties as best you can for love of Him, trusting that He hears and sees you always and will do what is best. Then turn to other prayers such as praying the Psalms, and praying through the book of Lamentations. I think that if you pray those you will find that God is very familiar with the feelings you are having, and has put words to many of your sighs and groanings. The Psalms and Lamentations teach us how to bring these feelings to God with trust, and they purify our emotions. But no matter what, pour out your heart before Him and leave any decisions about the length of your sojourn on earth to Him.

That is all for the bitter advice. Let’s get back to our spiritual father, Saint Francis.

Should you, my daughter, ever be attacked by by this evil spirit of sadness, make use of the following remedies. “Is any among you afflicted?” says S. James, “let him pray.” Prayer is a sovereign remedy, it lifts the mind to God, Who is our only Joy and Consolation. But when you pray let your words and affections, whether interior or exterior, all tend to love and trust in God. “O God of Mercy, most Loving Lord, Sweet Saviour, Lord of my heart, my Joy, my Hope, my Beloved, my Bridegroom.”
Vigorously resist all tendencies to melancholy, and although all you do may seem to be done coldly, wearily and indifferently, do not give in. The Enemy strives to make us languid in doing good by depression, but when he sees that we do not cease our efforts to work, and that those efforts become all the more earnest by reason of their being made in resistance to him, he leaves off troubling us.

Make use of hymns and spiritual songs; they have often frustrated the Evil One in his operations, as was the case when the evil spirit which possessed Saul was driven forth by music and psalmody. It is well also to occupy yourself in external works, and that with as much variety as may lead us to divert the mind from the subject which oppresses it, and to cheer and kindle it, for depression generally makes us dry and cold. Use external acts of fervour, even though they are tasteless at the time; embrace your crucifix, clasp it to your breast, kiss the Feet and Hands of your Dear Lord, raise hands and eyes to Heaven, and cry out to God in loving, trustful ejaculations: “My Beloved is mine, and I am His. A bundle of myrrh is my Well-beloved, He shall lie within my breast. Mine eyes long sore for Thy Word, O when wilt Thou comfort me! O Jesus, be Thou my Saviour, and my soul shall live. Who shall separate me from the Love of Christ?” etc.

Moderate bodily discipline is useful in resisting depression, because it rouses the mind from dwelling on itself; and frequent Communion is specially valuable; the Bread of Life strengthens the heart and gladdens the spirits.

Saint Francis here recommends what you have probably heard from even secular mental health advocates. To elaborate in our time: get off of the screen! Especially social media and secular entertainment. If you asked me, I would implore you to try fasting from secular entertainment and social media for at least a full 30-days. “If your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into the hell of fire” (Matt. 18:9). Don’t just drop these habits, you wont be able to do that alone, but replace them with good habits like exercise, just getting outside for walks, reading good books (especially classics and spiritual reads. Oh! And read some C.S. Lewis! I’d start with “The Great Divorce,” or Narnia if you haven’t read them), etc. You may be very bored at first, but who cares? You’re suffering anyway, you might as well suffer trying to do good.

“Behold those weighty fetters

With which the worldly chain themselves:

What griefs, what ills, what troubles!

And then only to be forever damned.

They suffer, yes, but they are forced

For the devil’s sake, without reward.

But to suffer all for God without complaint,

Is to win all with nothing lost.”

-St. Louis de Montfort

Try this for 30 days, and then pray about the next steps. But just see how your life changes after 30 days of no social media and minimal media in general, replaced by spiritual practices. If you are happier, why not keep it up? Do not be afraid to “pluck out your eye and throw it away” for love of God. You cannot serve two masters, it will be easier this way.

Lastly, let me emphasize that you should go to confession, stay free from mortal sin, pray the rosary every day, and receive the Eucharist as devoutly and often as possible.

Lay bare all the feelings, thoughts and longings which are the result of your depression to your confessor or director, in all humility and faithfulness; seek the society of spiritually minded people, and frequent such as far as possible while you are suffering. And, finally, resign yourself into God’s Hands, endeavouring to bear this harassing depression patiently, as a just punishment for past idle mirth. Above all, never doubt but that, after He has tried you sufficiently, God will deliver you from the trial.

Saint Francis concludes by recommending that you share your depression with a competent professional, so to speak, and confiding in close, personal friends. There is much more advice like it in his book “Introduction to the Devout Life,” which this is from. I would highly recommend it.

I hope that this letter has been some small consolation to you. If I have offended you in any way then please forgive me, for it was not my intention. I will be praying for you, and I beg you to please pray for me as well, the Lord knows how much I need it.

Hope in God, you will praise Him still, your Savior and your God (Cf. Psalm 42).

Your brother in Christ,

Stuart

Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
    when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
    the Lord will be a light to me.
 I will bear the indignation of the Lord
    because I have sinned against him,
until he pleads my cause
    and executes judgment for me.
He will bring me forth to the light;
    I shall behold his deliverance.
 Then my enemy will see,
    and shame will cover her who said to me,
    “Where is the Lord your God?”
My eyes will gloat over her;
    now she will be trodden down
    like the mire of the streets.

— Micah 7:8-10